Vacant
by veiledndarkness
Summary: All he ever wanted was to be numb. Warning: Mild slash
1. Chapter 1

Author: veiledndarkness

Title: Vacant

Rating: R

Pairing: Future Bobby/Jack

Summary: All he ever wanted was to be numb.

Warning: Usual disclaimer. They aren't mine, never were.

ooooooooooo

On the day before Bobby's 24th birthday, Evelyn brought Jack home. She walked through the front door, Jack three steps behind her; and announced to the boys that they had a new brother. Bobby, Angel, and Jerry had all turned to see the newest Mercer, standing in the doorway, staring off into space.

They'd exchanged looks and waited for Ma to say something, anything. She'd only given a small smile, and gently prodded him away from the doorframe. The small boy's eyes were glazed as he moved placidly along with Evelyn. Bobby felt a sliver of unease run through him at the vacant expression in Jack's face. Something seemed off about the boy, that much he knew.

Later in the evening, after Evelyn had shown Jack his new bedroom and left him to fall asleep, Bobby had pulled her off to the side in the living room. She sat knitting calmly while Bobby whispered urgently.

"Ma, what's the deal with the kid?" he asked, eyes scanning the staircase. The last thing he needed was to find out that Jack was listening. Evelyn looped her needles once before answering. "Jack is 12 years old Bobby, he's hardly a kid," she said as she rested her needles in her lap.

Bobby gave a grunt. "Funny, Ma, real cute. He's so…empty. Y'know?" he said. Evelyn frowned. "Bobby Mercer! The poor thing has only been here a few hours and already you're finding fault with him. You've not even given him a chance".

Bobby flushed lightly as she chastised him. He hung his head as he sat down heavily on the couch. "I…there's no life in his eyes Ma," he said with a whisper.

Evelyn studied her oldest for a moment. Bobby was a good boy deep down, she thought to herself. If only he'd let everyone else see the softer side. Bobby looked up at her and she held his eyes for a moment.

"Bobby, all of my boys have come from bad backgrounds. That doesn't make you bad, not by a long-shot. Jack has suffered greatly over the past ten years of his life. He's never known love or comfort or what it means to have someone care. I need you to show him, I need all of you to show him what 'family' means," she said.

Bobby sighed, his eyes dropping. "You got it, Ma."

Bobby got up from the couch and hugged her, mumbling 'goodnight' in her ear. Evelyn smiled then. Bobby headed upstairs as she picked up her needles again. What Jack needed was love, she was sure of that.

oooooo

Jack sat on the bed staring at the wall in front of him, his backpack still full on the floor next to his feet. He could hear the sounds of people going to bed, of the television, of one of the brothers talking to Evelyn. He smiled absently. He'd liked her so far. She hadn't tried anything on him yet. He hadn't picked up any vibes off her so far, but he knew it was only a matter of time.

He looked down at his bag then at his feet, still clad in his filthy, ripped sneakers. He lay back on the bed, fully clothed and stared at the ceiling. He wondered idly how much longer the pills would stay in his system. He'd swiped the mostly full bottle of sedatives from his last foster mom's dresser right before the child services people came to get him. He loved the zoned out feeling of calm each pill brought him. Gradually his body relaxed into the mattress, the softest he'd ever slept on.

Bobby opened the door to his old room, eyes immediately picking out the fully packed backpack on the floor beside the bed. He observed Jack's slow breathing, and he wondered exactly what this child (for he was a child to Bobby) had been through. He watched Jack's chest rise then fall for the better part of a half hour, before closing the door softly and heading to the spare room. He spent the rest of the night in a light sleep, half listening for the sound of someone trying to escape.

oooooooo

Jack awoke the next morning gradually, his body stiff. He stretched carefully, groaning as his neck popped. His body was not accustomed to sleeping on anything so soft. He lowered his hand to the floor instinctively searching for his bag. He always kept his bag with him.

He let out a quick breath as he pulled the bag up to him. He sat up slowly and listened hard for any noise downstairs. He could hear someone banging pots in the kitchen. His stomach growled loudly then, breaking the silence in the room. Jack clasped his hands to his stomach, pushing down on it.

"Gotta find something to eat," he murmured with a small grimace. He didn't expect much from Evelyn. Too many years of neglect had seen to that mistrust. It wouldn't be the first time that he'd been denied food. It seemed to be one constant in each of the homes he'd been in. Bruises were harder to hide whereas withholding food had more of an impact on the kids.

His bladder uncomfortably full, Jack made his way to the door. He wandered down the hall looking for the bathroom. He finally spotted it at the end of the hallway. He grinned with relief as he started to pee but twitched in surprise when the door banged open beside him. A tall, muscled boy walked into the bathroom and nodded at Jack as he started the shower. Jack stared at him, his mouth open slightly as the need to pee abruptly deserted him. He struggled to remember the names he'd heard the night before.

'Angel,' he thought finally. "Doesn't anybody knock here?" he snapped a moment later.

Angel turned to look at him, a small smirk tugging his lips. "This small a house, with all these people means we share little bro."

Jack moved away from the toilet and rinsed his hands quickly. His hands shook a little unevenly from the cold blast of water. "I'm not your 'bro'," Jack said softly. He threw a glance over his shoulder as he left the bathroom.

Almost as an afterthought, Angel said "Not yet, but you will be." Jack scoffed at that and left the room.

He went downstairs, vainly trying to ignore the rumblings of his stomach. He looked in each room till he found Evelyn at the stove, flipping pancakes. Jack's mouth watered as he watched her expertly flip each golden brown pancake. He leaned against the wall as his knees buckled from the urge to grab the pancakes straight off the stove and wolf down as many as he could. He moaned quietly when the smell floated under his nose. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten a decent meal.

Evelyn turned around when she heard Jack's nearly silent moan. 'If there's one thing I know, it's that boys can never eat enough,' she thought with a smile. She sent a sunny grin to Jack and held up a frying pan. "Well, good morning Jack. Would you like some pancakes dear?" He stood, still leaning slightly against the wall, trying to gauge if she was testing him. He'd played this game many times before. He shook his head then.

Evelyn frowned. "Are you not hungry Jack? We've got plenty," she said. Jack shook his head again. "No, thank you" he whispered, not meeting her eyes. "I'm not hungry ma'am".

Evelyn set the pan back down on the stove. "Please Jack, call me Ma, or Evelyn if you prefer. Ma'am makes me feel old. Now, sit down at the table please."

Jack lifted his head an inch as he watched her continue filling the plates with stacks of pancakes. He took small steps over to the table, ready to bolt at the first sign of anger. She hummed softly as she brought the plates over, and then turned to the fridge to grab a pitcher of orange juice.

Jack sat down on one of the chairs and fidgeted with his too-long sleeves. Angel came into the room and kissed Evelyn on the cheek. She handed him some silverware and asked him to set the table. Angel nodded and saluted her. She swatted at him with a dish towel as he ducked behind her, laughing. Jack took this in with wide eyes. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Jerry entered the kitchen through the side door, knocking the dirt off his shoes by the door. He called out a 'good morning' to Evelyn, then mock-punched Angel in the shoulder as he grabbed a strip of bacon off the plate that Evelyn was still filling. She scolded him lightly and sent him to sit at the table. Jerry looked over at Jack's face and knew what he must be thinking.

"Hey Jack, listen man, we mess around a lot, but that doesn't mean anything bad is gonna happen. Ma won't hurt you," Jerry said as he sat down on the chair. Jack looked down at his thumbs and nodded. He didn't believe Jerry for a second. Just because Evelyn didn't hit Jerry didn't mean that Jack was safe. She brought the last plate to the table then pursed her lips in annoyance.

"Bobby!" she called. She sighed as she sat down at the table. "Where's your brother?" she asked Angel.

Angel shrugged. "Lazy fuc…uh bugger's probably still sleeping," he said, ignoring the dark look on Evelyn's face. Just then, Bobby came through the doorway, scratching his head as he yawned loudly, his eyes half closed.

Jerry laughed then. "And there he is...so pleasant in the morning," he said. Angel snorted while Evelyn smiled. Bobby flipped Jerry the finger as he sat on the remaining chair. Evelyn passed the plates around, with each boy taking piles of pancakes except for Jack. She saw his plate still empty. "Jack, would you like some pancakes?" she said, her face carefully neutral.

Jack stared at his thumbs. Jerry forked more food into his mouth. Angel sighed mentally. Bobby sat in silence, one hand still reaching for the orange juice. Jack finally raised his head and saw the eyes on him. He cringed and shook his head 'no' again. "You must be hungry by now Jack. You can have anything you want to eat. Do you not like pancakes?" Evelyn said, pressing gently.

Jack held his lips together firmly. No way was he falling for this again. He'd been tricked one too many times. Bobby got up carefully out of Jack's line of vision and poured a glass of juice. He walked around the table to Jack's side and placed the glass of juice in front of him. He really hated what he was about to do. 'It's for the best,' he thought, pushing down his doubts.

"Drink it," he said, his voice leaving no room for argument. Jack looked up at him, a strange light in his eyes. "Bobby I really don't think…" Bobby looked over at Evelyn and nodded once. She understood. "I said, drink it," Bobby said again, more iron in his voice.

Jack gingerly picked up the glass and took a small sip.

"Finish it," he said, his voice a bit softer. Jack drained the glass, and then set it back down. He licked the remaining drop on his upper lip, his pointed tongue tracing the outline. Both Angel and Jerry gave up any pretenses of eating as they watched Jack obey Bobby. Evelyn felt more nervous now than she had in years.

Bobby waited a moment, then spoke with patience. "Jack, you are going to eat whatever you want here. No one is going to stop you. You eat as much as you want whenever you want. You have the right and don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise," he said.

Jack, his eyes still on Bobby, nodded once.

"Good. Now try one of these pancakes. Ma's special recipe," Bobby went back to his seat and drained his own juice. Outwardly he was calm. On the inside he was shaking. His palms were sweaty and he felt like screaming. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Jack by mistake.

Evelyn slide two pancakes onto Jack's plate then asked him if he'd like some syrup. He said 'yes' so softly she barely heard him. And yet, he ate every last bit of the pancakes, though he refused to take more than two. Evelyn sat back in her chair. This one was going to be an uphill battle. She observed the other boys eating like there was no tomorrow. It was the same with each boy in the beginning. Afraid to ask for anything, afraid to assume they had rights. She ate slowly while contemplating what to do next. She looked down at Jack's shoes. 'Well, those need to go,' she thought. She set her fork down.

Jerry was up in a flash, dropping his dishes by the sink and kissing Evelyn on the cheek as he rambled about being late for work. Angel left next, saying that he also had to leave to meet Sofi. Jack watched him leave with surprise, silence filling the kitchen as only Bobby and Evelyn were left with him. Bobby finished eating, his eyes on Jack the entire time. He got up and dropped his plates in the sink.

"Bobby? I need you to pick up a few things for me today. Do you mind?" she asked, sipping her tea. Bobby shook his head. "Nah, Ma that's fine. Write me out a list, ok?" Evelyn nodded. Bobby hesitated a moment longer, then turned to Jack. "See you later Jack," he said.

Jack stared up at him, his eyes blank. Bobby winced, the emptiness in Jack's eyes bothering him. He wondered vaguely if he'd gone too far with the juice issue. He sighed, and then left the room.

Jack sat in his chair as still as could be. He fiddled with his thumbs some more. Evelyn watched him for a moment before speaking. "Jack, I noticed that your shoes look a little worn out. Would you like to come to the store with me to get some new ones?"

He glanced over at her. Another test? He looked down at his ragged shoes. Worn out was being kind. His shoes barely fit his feet, his toes were pinched together, and the sneakers were filthy. His last placement hadn't bothered to replace what was needed in the way of his clothes and shoes.

"Sure," he muttered. He cringed when she stood up, almost ducking as her hand came close to him. He let himself relax slowly when he saw that she was just taking his plate to the sink.

Evelyn frowned while she rinsed the dishes. Clearly this boy didn't believe a word she said. He expected to be denied even the most basic of necessities, a scenario she was all too familiar with. He'd reacted to Bobby though, she considered. That much was obvious. Bobby told him what to do, he did it. She turned the taps off and looked over at Jack. He was staring at his empty plate, rubbing his fingers over his knees absently.

"Jack, why don't you run upstairs and take a shower, hmm? By the time you're down, I'll be ready to go," she said, keeping her voice brisk but warm.

Jack nodded once, moving noiselessly from the room. He headed upstairs slowly, trying to remember what room was supposedly his. He stumbled over the last stair and started to fall forwards. He closed his eyes as he saw the ground rushing up at him, bracing himself for pain. When it didn't come, he cracked open one eye and saw Bobby. He was propped in his arms. He blushed furiously as he realized that Bobby had been the one to catch him.

"Gotta watch that last step kiddo," Bobby rumbled, his chest vibrating against Jack's head. Jack felt hot all over. Bobby scooped him up, and then deposited him gently on his bed. Bobby searched Jack's face. "You ok now?" Jack nodded, his cheeks still scarlet.

"Good. Hit the showers," he added, knowing full well that Ma had told him to shower already. He had a feeling that Jack would have just washed his hands and face otherwise. Bobby turned and left the room abruptly.

Jack stared at his feet, before whispering 'ok' to Bobby. He was so unnerved by Bobby, so unsure of what to say or do around him. But the flicker he'd felt when he had stood over him and told him to drink his juice, that flicker had felt good. He'd obeyed without a second thought. Now he felt like a fool. He made his way to the bathroom again, pulling the door closed as tight as he could. He really didn't think he could handle another surprise person joining him.

Jack eyed the faucets with much apprehension. There were, of course, two spouts but Jack was rarely allowed to use the hot one all that much. Over the past year he had been sneaking small amounts of hot water into his showers to ease the horrid chill. Still…his eyes drifted to the door.

He hurried through his shower, shivering violently as he toweled off, having kept the hot water to a minimum. He scurried back to his room, his teeth clacking painfully. Jack dressed quickly, giving himself a sharp reminder that things could be much worse than just having to take a cold shower. His last foster home, the man, Dave had believed that the best way to wash Jack was to dump buckets of cold water on him in the yard. The only time he was allowed warm water was if he was willing to bathe with Dave. The one time he'd fought back, Dave had knocked him unconscious.

Jack moved slowly towards his bag, in a dream-like trance. He grabbed the bottle of pills and shook two out. He dry swallowed them and sat down on the bed. He could still feel the painful lump that had risen on the back of his head and not gone away for 3 weeks. He could vividly remember the beating he'd gotten when the school nurse had called home to ask why Jack kept fainting in class.

Jack knuckled away the unwanted tears that burned his eyes. 'No use in crying,' he told himself fiercely. But the child he wasn't allowed to be inside him wept for the pain. He pressed his hands to the side of his head, trying to block the sound of the tears. They echoed in his mind, a constant sobbing that made him clench his teeth in anger.

He felt the beginnings of the stupor that the pills gave him reach out and pull at him softly. He smiled then, a sad smile that drooped in the corners as the fogginess swept over him.

It was then that Bobby came into the room, intent on bringing Jack downstairs to Evelyn who was waiting patiently by the front door. She felt a sense of unease fill her as the minutes ticked by since she had sent Bobby upstairs.

Bobby opened the door to see Jack sitting hunched over on his bed, his eyes glazed over, half-dry hair tangled and still knotted. "Well at least, your face is clean," Bobby muttered as he walked over to Jack, careful not to make any sudden moves. Jack seemed oblivious to Bobby. He sighed as Bobby softly pulled his arm and lifted him off the bed. He was partially limp but Bobby could sense at least some awareness in Jack.

"Come on, kiddo. Ma's waiting downstairs," Bobby said as they walked down the steps.

Jack nodded and stepped lightly on each stair. Evelyn glanced over at the pair and her hand shot up to smother her cry. She saw Jack's dead eyes, the way Bobby was practically holding him up and felt a tug in her chest.

"First thing to go is those pills," she said from the side of her mouth to Bobby as they made their way to the car. Bobby nodded sharply. "Damn right," he muttered. He'd not spend another day staring at Jack's vacant eyes. Once they had gotten Jack into the backseat, Evelyn slid into the passenger front seat. She buckled up with a tight smile as she met Bobby's worried eyes.

"You sure you know what you're doing with Jack?" he said, a frown creasing his face.

Evelyn sighed. "I've never given up before Bobby; I won't give up on Jack just because he'll be more to deal with. Remember what I told you."

Bobby gave a quick look into the backseat. Jack was sitting with his face pressed so close to the window that the puffs of his breath were causing fog. He was tracing his finger through the fog and nearly silently singing. He frowned again, deeper this time. 'How do you reach someone who wants to be alone?'

Bobby dropped Evelyn and Jack off at the doctor's office. He watched them go in with a heavy heart. He wasn't sure exactly how the hell they were going to help Jack, but he knew if anyone could do it, it was Ma. She was the strongest woman he'd ever known, with the kindest heart.

He fumed silently as he reached in his pockets for a smoke. If he ever got his hands on all the people who hurt Jack in one way or another... his fingers twitched as the thought of wrecking some vengeance brought a smile to his face.He drove off with the list of errands that Ma had written down. He skimmed over the list, mentally planning out his day. He wondered idly what kind of cake they'd have for dessert tonight.

ooooooo

Evelyn filled out the forms that the nurse had handed to her. She was well known and well liked at this office, having been a familiar face there over the years. Jack was staring at his fingers while she copied down the information in the file folder from the case worker onto the office forms. Finally she reached the end, shaking her hand lightly from the inevitable cramping that came with the forms.

The nurse called them shortly after she handed over the papers. Evelyn stood and gestured for Jack to follow. Though seemingly trance like, he did respond to her, however slowly. She led him down the hallway to one of the smaller rooms.

She asked Jack to sit on the examining table while she sat on one of the plush chairs beside him. Jack looked around the room, smiling faintly at one of the posters on the wall. After a short while, the doctor walked in.

"Well, good day Mrs. Evelyn. This the newest boy?" the doctor asked.

Evelyn nodded with a smile. "Good morning, Frank," she said.

The doctor read quickly through the file, whistling a tuneless song. He looked over at Jack and held out his hand. "And you must be Jack. My name is Dr. Frank Visore. You can call me Frank though," he said, his eyes twinkling kindly. Jack gave him a dull look and limply shook the doctor's hand.

Dr. Visore swore inwardly at how chilled the boy's skin felt. 'Poor circulation; appears semi-aware of surroundings, disturbingly thin,' he noted in the chart.

The doctor spoke with Evelyn about Jack's medical history while Jack zoned out again. He could hear the words, but they were distant and blurry. He felt the sudden need to pee. Or sleep. Or both.

The doctor came closer to him and he shuddered as he felt the warm hand touch his shoulder. "Jack, I need you to take your shirt off please," he said.

Jack stared blankly at the doctor. The doctor looked over at Evelyn questioningly. Evelyn stepped over to Jack and held his chin in her palm. "Jack," she said, raising her voice slightly.

'Dear God, how did Bobby do this,' she thought, her heart pounding wildly.

"Take off your shirt," she said firmly. Jack whimpered then, a small sound of distress as he felt hands lifting his shirt. "Easy, Jack, easy," the doctor said soothingly as he moved the too-large shirt up to Jack's armpits. Jack keened softly when the air hit his skin.

"No, no, no, no…" he murmured as he felt the hands press down on his ribs. He started pulling and twisting from the doctor's hands, clearly agitated. The doctor backed up, his hands at chest-level.

"Jack, it's alright. I won't touch you. It's ok," he said slowly.

Jack moaned loudly as his panic surged. He jumped off the table with a cry of anger and ran for the door, pulling on the doorknob with trembling hands. He fumbled with the locks, yanking as hard as he could. He started to breathe in short gasps, his whole body shaking with fear.

Evelyn was at his side in a second. She grabbed a hold of him with both arms and they slide to the floor together. She crooned in his ear as she rocked; her voice a soothing rhythm.

Jack felt the band of fear around his chest start to loosen. His body went limp then as the fear drained out of him. The doctor helped to lift him back on to the examining table. Jack, though awake seemed trance-like again. With Evelyn's permission, he finished the exam as fast as he could before Jack could try and take off again. He brought her over to the side of the room and spoke in hushed whispers.

"Evelyn, I'm really worried about how you're going to deal with Jack. Without a doubt that boy has been badly abused. He's desperately underweight and freezing cold to the touch," Dr. Visore said, his voice thick with concern.

"You need to get him eating. He must take supplements until he starts eating more. He should be fine as long as his diet remains consistent. It's been years since I've seen such a malnourished child," he added.

"Is there any hope for him getting any taller or has the malnourishment stunted him?" she asked, her eyes on Jack as he whimpered softly, his legs moving restlessly on the examining table.

The doctor scratched his head while he thought over his response. "Honestly, Evelyn I don't know. Time will tell with Jack," he said finally.

She nodded then summoned up a larger smile. She turned to Jack. "It's time to go now Jack," she said slowly, hoping he was listening. He blinked, bringing his mouth into a lopsided grin.

"Ok," he said. He hopped down from the table and wobbled over to the door. Evelyn shot the doctor a worried look. Dr. Visore slipped the supplement prescription in her hand and wished her the best.

She led them outside and leaned against the brick wall. Jack stood next to her, staring at the ground. "What do you say we get some lunch hmm?" she said, pushing happiness into her voice. Jack looked up at her, his eyes cloudy. "I know just the place," she added as Jack followed behind her.

oooooo

They sat in a restaurant 10 minutes from the doctor's office. Jack shuffled his feet uncomfortably as the hostess brought them to their seats. Evelyn opened the menu and looked over the lunch specials. Jack sat at the table hunched over.

"Um…are you sure…uh that is," Jack stuttered nervously as he darted quick glances from under his eyes at Evelyn.

Evelyn nodded encouragingly as Jack spoke his first real sentence to her.

"Uh I mean, I'm not hungry ma'-uh Evelyn."

Evelyn sighed inwardly at his blatant lie. She smiled, realizing that he'd called her Evelyn. "Jack, I wanted to take you out for lunch as a special treat," she said. Jack finally met her eyes and he saw the warmth there. He shuddered slightly. God, if she only knew what he had done, or was capable of doing.

"But I haven't done anything to deserve it!" he blurted suddenly.

Evelyn smiled again. "You deserve it because you're you, Jackie."

With that she showed him the menu options and ordered for the both of them, all the while resolutely ignoring the tears that glimmered in Jack's eyes, not sure how he'd react to comfort.

Later that afternoon, they waited for Bobby to return to pick them up near the doctor's office. Evelyn had dragged Jack from store to store, buying him clothes and shoes that fit. Jack closed his eyes as he felt a wave of gratitude wash over him. He turned to face Evelyn. She met his eyes and nodded approvingly. He threw his skinny arms around her and hugged her as tight as he dared. As he was hugging her, he saw Bobby's car pull into the parking lot.

Bobby's eyes widened. There was Jack, hugging Ma. He smiled to himself. She certainly had a way with people. He felt a bit of pride at the thought that Jack had made that much progress already.

ooooooo

That night, the family celebrated Bobby's 24th birthday with a wonderful chocolate cake, his favorite. As he made his way to the spare room, he stopped in to check on Jack. He found him sitting on the bed staring at the new shoes still in their box. A few tears ran down his pale cheeks until he saw Bobby watching him. He shoved the shoes under the bed in one quick motion.

Bobby chuckled dryly. "You don't need to hide your stuff here kiddo. No one's gonna take it from you." He walked over to the bed, arms crossed. Jack faced away from him and snorted.

"Yeah, I've heard that line before," he said, much bitterness in his voice. He scrubbed at the remaining tears on his cheeks furiously. Bobby nodded, looking out the window. "Those were nice shoes, Jack."

Jack shrugged. "Yeah well they're mine, so hands off," he snapped, feeling the need to hurt Bobby somehow. Bobby frowned. "I ain't gonna touch your stuff Jack. I just told you that," he said.

Jack winced as he realized that getting Bobby upset was not a good idea. He had feared all the bigger brothers that he'd had before. Each one had found a use for him in one way or another. And now...Bobby, he had this way of looking at Jack, a way of making him feel safe.

"Look, Jackie," Bobby said. Jack's head snapped back at the nickname that Evelyn had only that afternoon called him. It felt…nice to hear Bobby say it.

"Me, and Angel and Jerry, we're your brothers now whether you like it or not. We're Mercers, and no one fucks with the Mercer's and lives to tell about it. We all got each other's backs. You think you can scare us off by being angry or by being nasty, but you're wrong. Nothings gonna drive us away," Bobby said, his eyes glowing fiercely, pride obvious in his voice.

Jack made a nasty sound then curled up on his side on the bed, facing away from Bobby again. Bobby moved away from the window. "You remember that Jackie. You're one of us and we ain't gonna let you push us away", he said, his voice stern again.

Jack's body was stiff and perfectly still. Bobby closed the door to the room and headed to the guest room. Jack let the tears flow silently down his cheeks once he was sure that he was alone. "I want to believe you," he whispered.

ooooooo

1 year later

Jack burst through the front door, laughing as he ducked the snowball that was whizzing dangerously close to his head. He shook off both the snow and the colorful swearing of one of the neighborhood kids. Evelyn looked up from the cake she was frosting.

"Jack Mercer! Don't you dare bring more snow indoors! Angel already tracked in enough to make a fort in here earlier," she said with loving frustration.

Jack dropped his eyes. "Sorry, Ma," he said, giving her a quick hug as he stood in front of the fridge door, waiting for inspiration. Evelyn smiled as she shooed Jack out of the kitchen with a promise of a muffin if he'd just wait a second.

Today was Jack's 13th birthday and she didn't want him seeing the cake she was still icing. She'd assumed that with the sudden snowfall, he'd have been out there for hours yet. She hummed as she frosted the vanilla cake. Jack's progress had been nothing short of a miracle. He'd come along slowly and surely and before she knew it, he'd shot up 3 more inches and started calling her Ma. Her smile grew brighter as she thought about the gift that they had all chipped in for.

Jack had been to his first concert a few weeks ago with some friends from school, and when he'd come home, he'd declared that someday he'd get his own guitar. So now, his surprise gift of a guitar lay in Evelyn's room waiting to be opened. She could hardly wait to see the look on his face when he realized what his gift was.

Upstairs, Jack sat on his window ledge, watching the kids play in the snow downstairs. He smoked one cigarette after another, feeling the nicotine course through him. It was almost as good a feeling as the sedatives had been. Jack had come home from school one day, about six months after he'd arrived to find his pills gone. He'd confronted Evelyn in a screaming rage, only to be told calmly that yes, she had thrown them out. He stood there, chest heaving, unable to process what she'd just said. Finally he offered "Why?"

"You don't need them. They're not a healthy way to deal with pain," she simply said.

Jack had stood still for about ten minutes before nodding dumbly and heading back upstairs. He'd thrown stuff against the walls in a fit, screaming into his pillow and ripping as much paper as he could get a hold of before falling into an exhausted sleep on the floor. Evelyn hadn't mentioned it or the rage he'd been in afterwards. And for that, Jack was grateful.

But now he'd taken up smoking in secret. "I'll be damned if I can't have even one vice," he muttered to himself before stubbing out the remains of his cigarette. And if anyone noticed the smell of smoke on him, they didn't mention it.

Jack hid his nearly empty pack of smokes deep inside his backpack, sighing as he stretched slowly. He ached all over from the snowball fight they'd been having over the past hour. He smirked as he watched Bobby pull his battered car into the driveway. One of the other kids in the street had pitched a snowball at another kid right as Bobby pulled up, only to have the snowball land right in the middle of Bobby's car.

Bobby was out of his car like a shot, swearing loudly at the poor kid who was now trembling, fearing the worst. Jack snorted as he then saw Evelyn poke her head out the kitchen door and gesture for Bobby to come in, scolding him for frightening the children. Bobby yelled out one last threat as he glared at the kids before going indoors.

Jack sighed. He ran a hand through his hair absently and grimaced at the slightly greasy feel. As if she read his mind, he heard Evelyn call out "Jack! You have 20 minutes till dinner!"

Jack ran for the bathroom, pulling the door shut behind him. He still felt uncomfortable with the fact that any one of his brothers would use the bathroom while he was in the shower. After a year, he understood the necessity but still felt fearful. Jack shuddered as he ran the water. The idea that one of his brothers might someday stare at him lustfully filled him with an intense wave of terror.

'Except for Bobby,' a little voice in his head whispered. Jack blushed fiercely as he pulled his shirt off. He struggled to pull his pants off as he tried to deny what he was thinking. Over the past year, he had overcome his belief that Bobby was just waiting for the chance to hurt him. Now, Jack found himself sneaking glances at Bobby whenever he thought he wouldn't notice. His voice still made him want to obey him, and that he hadn't learned to control yet.

He stepped into the shower and closed his eyes in bliss. The warm water poured over him, washing away the grit and sweat from his body. He massaged his head leisurely, enjoying the relaxing feeling of the water pouring over him. Jack smiled as he remembered the first time that he had walked into the bathroom after one of Angel's showers. He'd been amazed by the sheer volume of steam that had rolled out of the bathroom. It was at that moment that it occurred to him that it was okay for him to use hot water in his shower. From then on, he made a point of thoroughly enjoying his time in the bathroom.

As he washed his arms and chest, he found his mind wandering once again to Bobby, as it so often did. He soaped himself as he pictured Bobby in the shower. His face was hot as he imagined Bobby slowly rubbing the bar of soap over his arms, down his legs, up over his stomach. Jack felt his breath come faster as he rinsed himself, his hands running over his own body.

He saw Bobby move towards him in his mind, his eyes dark, the water running down his face in rivulets, his hard body coming closer towards him. As Bobby moved towards him, he saw a dark shape move over Bobby's face. Jack gasped, his heart hammering wildly. Bobby stepped closer to him, and smirked, an ugly, evil looking smirk that made Jack's blood run cold.

"I wanna hear you scream little boy, I want to hear you beg," Bobby said, chuckling in a foul sounding way, one that made Jack want to sob in fear. He backed away, his hands swinging violently as he shrieked.

"No! God no! Not you too Bobby, help! Help!" he screamed desperately, his hair covering his eyes as he cried. He stumbled and started to loose his balance as he pulled back from the cruel leer that was coming closer and closer to him. He screamed in true terror as he fell then, his eyes rolling in his head as he began to shake and writhe in a blind panic. Jack twitched as he hit the bottom of the tub, his head smacking with a dull thud off the side of the bathtub. He was still screaming when Bobby broke down the bathroom door moments later.

Evelyn stood behind Bobby, her heart in her throat as she watched Bobby reach into the running shower and grab a hold of Jack. He dragged him out, ignoring the water that poured over him. Evelyn threw several towels around Bobby and Jack, and leaned over to shut off the shower taps. Bobby gave her a grateful look as he rubbed Jack's arms briskly with one of the towels. Jack's screams trailed off, leaving him mute and dazed.

"Jack! Jack! Wake up man, wake up!" he said. He refused to give in to the fear that pumped through his body right now. 'Calm, Bobby calm,' he repeated to himself.

"Look at me, man! Jack! Jackie!" he said, his voice starting to sound more and more panicked. Jack made a gurgling sound as Bobby shook his shoulders, his eyes searching for where the blood was coming from. Jack coughed weakly as his eyes fluttered, his mouth working desperately to take in air. Bobby gave a loud whoop when he saw Jack focus on his face. His heart dropped when he saw the look of raw fear on Jack's face.

Jack whimpered and tried to pull loose from Bobby's grip. He began to choke as he yanked harder, struggling to get away. Bobby glanced up at Evelyn, his eyes wide with alarm.

"What the hell Ma?" he asked, his voice trembling. Evelyn leaned forward and placed both of her hands on Jack's shoulders, her warm hands firm and comforting. Jack's rasping breaths calmed slightly, his frightened eyes still cloudy. She eased Jack closer to her, slipping him out of Bobby's arms and into hers. Jack latched onto her like he was drowning, whispering a litany of 'please no, oh god no,' over and over while she rocked him. Bobby gnawed on his lower lip, his stomach twisted with unease. He crossed his arms and paced a small distance.

"What the hell do we do now, Ma?" he whispered. Evelyn stared up at him, her eyes so sad. "I don't know Bobby, I just don't know. He seems to be in shock. I think he might have hit his head on the bathtub," she said.

Evelyn gently stroked Jack's face. He began to whimper again, his body shivering hard in the cool air. "Ma…" he croaked, his voice strained and sore from screaming. Bobby handed Evelyn another towel. She wrapped it tighter around Jack to help with the chill. Jack started to sit up and moaned as he clutched his head, his eyesight blurry.

"What…happened?" he asked, wincing as he felt the large bump at the back of his head.

"Thought maybe you could tell us," Bobby said as he crouched down, close to Jack.

Jack closed his eyes again. "I don't know, one minute I was showering, the next I saw Ma holding me," he said, a light pink flushing his cheeks.

'He's lying,' Bobby realized. He shook his head impatiently. "That's all? You don't remember anything else?"

"No," Jack said. He turned his head to the other side. He swallowed awkwardly around the hard lump in his throat. He felt tears burn his eyes. He was deeply ashamed of how he'd reacted. He wasn't quite sure he would be able to look Bobby in the face any time soon.

After many reassurances, Jack was allowed to come down for his birthday dinner. He glowed with happiness when Evelyn brought out his cake, his eyes filled with tears as he blew out his candles. He ate his slice, taking great pleasure in each mouthful.

That night, Jack slept with his guitar beside him. He'd been so happy and proud to be the owner of a guitar, a real guitar, that he'd let a few tears fall. Bobby had cuffed him on the shoulder, calling him a fairy. He hadn't minded. All he could think about was playing his guitar. And while Jack slept peacefully, Bobby lay on his bed, frowning at the ceiling as he recalled the way Jack's eyes had widened with fear when he had first seen Bobby.

ooooooo


	2. Chapter 2

2 years later

Jack sat in his classroom, completely bored and tuned out of the discussion. He gladly ignored the teacher, Mrs. Beckwith, who stood at the front of the room, and settled for watching the leaves move on the trees outside the window. He stifled a yawn as his eyelids drooped heavily. He stared with a dreamy smile at the window, imagining that he was reaching out, so far that he could touch just the tips of the leaves on one of the branches, his fingers straining to grasp one leaf in his hand.

"...well?" he heard a voice calling, sounding far away.

Jack slowly pulled his eyes away from the window as the voice grew more insistent. He turned and faced forward, only to see everyone staring back at him, the teacher's right foot tapping an impatient beat on the worn linoleum.

"Jack Mercer, have you heard a word I've said today?" she snapped, her mouth turned down in a nasty smirk. Jack sighed mentally. 'Why can't they just leave me the fuck alone?' he thought miserably. He counted to ten before meeting Mrs. Beckwith's angry eyes.

"Besides the last sentence you mean?" he drawled, deliberately making his voice as insolent as possible. 'Maybe she'll just kick me out today,' he thought hopefully.

Her face turned an unflattering shade of purple. "How dare you sass me?!" she screeched. "Get out; get out of this classroom right now! You can just march yourself on down to the principal's office this minute. Maybe some time there will help with your willful disobedience," she spat.

Jack rolled his eyes as he grabbed his binder and shoved it into his backpack. He was up and out of the aisle within seconds. He slammed the classroom door behind him, ignoring the muffled snickers coming from the other teens. 'Fuck 'em,' he thought with a snarl.

He strolled past the principal's office, his hands in his pockets. He had no intention of going there, not if he could help it. He made his way to the football field, watching the older boys run around the track. Jack laughed as he walked past the bleachers.

"Early day for me," he muttered. He kicked at the dirt as he walked, mumbling insults as he kicked each rock that he passed. He always thought of the perfect comeback after the moment was gone. "Bobby would have known just what to say," he said to no one in particular.

He stopped then and patted down his pockets, searching for his lighter. He finally found it in his jeans pocket. He lit a cigarette, his hands shaking a bit as he did. He chuckled bitterly as he took his first drag from the smoke. Every time he thought about Bobby, his hands would shake.

He hated the fact that Bobby made him feel awkward, young and stupid, all at the same time without even knowing that he was doing it. Jack would think about all the times he'd heard other guys talking about Bobby when they thought Jack wasn't listening or nearby, about how all the teachers gave disgusted sighs when they read the roll call at the start of each year, and realized that once again, they had a Mercer in their class.

Jack was fully aware of Bobby's reputation and while it served him in that the older boys left him alone for the most part aside from the occasional 'fag' comment, he had long since grown tired of everyone expecting him to be just like Bobby. He wasn't a so-called bad teen, but the teachers still treated him like he was nothing more than a delinquent who was passing time between sentences.

In his own way, Jack had found a way to rebel from what people thought of him. He had found the glorious numbing power of different drugs. He let out another sharp, harsh laugh. "Bobby never did drugs," he mocked himself as he walked, oblivious to the other people on the sidewalks. Despite his history, drugs were not something that Bobby had done all that much, and now abstained from himself.

Bobby may not have, but Jack, he found peace in taking excessive amounts of non-prescription drugs, in stealing whatever he could get his hands on in the drug stores. He lived for the adrenaline rush that he got each time he swallowed one of his ecstasy pills, ever mindful of his dwindling supply. Jack knew exactly which teen didn't mind selling off his Ritalin, claiming he hated the way he made him feel. Jack had laughed at the guy and told him he had it all wrong.

Jack reached the house in record time, for once glad that no one was home. His calm was beginning to wear off. He'd been popping Gravol tablets since the early morning. He'd found that taking several tablets made him skip the need to sleep, instead leaving him in a dopey haze. His stomach made a faint gurgling sound, but he ignored it.

He went straight up to his bedroom and shut the door. He then wedged the chair from his desk underneath the handle. He wasn't taking any chances today. Jack listened carefully for a moment, taking in the absolute silence. He smiled then. Perfect.

Jack sat on his bed, sitting cross-legged as he rooted through his backpack. He dug around till he found a wrinkled paper bag. With practiced hands, he rolled a joint expertly, feeling a sense of contentment fall over him as he raised it to his lips.

Halfway through his joint, he stretched out, feeling sleepy and warm now that the chemicals raced through him. He passed the time by staring at the ceiling and wondering exactly what he would say, if anything, if someone came into the bedroom and found him stoned on his bed. Breathless trickles of laughter fell from his mouth.

He could see it all now, the angry faces, the disappointment in Evelyn's eyes, the accusations. He closed his eyes, his happy buzz being chased away by the bitter tang of tears in the back of his throat. 'Nothin' but a fuck up, useless, worthless, ugly, waste of space,' his brain chanted.

Jack swore aloud. He pressed his hands to his ears, blocking out the merciless taunts. "Leave me alone," he begged, squeezing his eyes shut, pressing hard on his ears.

Jack whimpered as he threw the end of the joint out the window. He lay back on his bed, wanting to eat but not feeling the energy to get up. He lay there, half asleep, half aware of what was happening. It occurred to him faintly that his chair was still wedged under his doorknob. He hazily decided that he didn't care whether or not anyone would check on him.

ooooooo

Long after the sun had set, Jack finally pulled himself off his bed. Feeling dizzy and light headed, he weakly pulled the chair loose from under the door. The effort of moving the chair left him panting and breathless. He made his way down the stairs, vaguely recalling his first day here, when Bobby had helped him down the stairs. He smiled. Bobby still made him feel secure, like his arms could keep the world away from Jack.

He stumbled into the kitchen ignoring the frown that crossed his mother's face. He sat down on one of the chairs and rested his face on the table. Evelyn stood back against the sink, her arms loosely folded over her chest. She took in Jack's pale face, his blood-shot eyes, and the way he could barely seem to sit up. She poured him a glass of juice and set it in front of him. He didn't seem to be blinking.

"So, Jack. The school called me at work today. Is there anything you'd like to tell me?" she asked quietly. Jack blinked once and somehow managed to shake his head a bit without actually lifting it. Evelyn sighed softly. She wondered idly exactly how stoned Jack was.

"Jackie, I'm well aware that you don't particularly enjoy school. Be that as it may, I still expect you to make some effort," she said. Jack made a slow popping sound with his lips, a dazed grin on his face. "Sorry," he said, stretching out the's'. Evelyn walked over to him quickly and slapped her hands down on the table. Jack blinked again and lifted his eyes slightly to meet hers.

"Damn it! I won't watch you do this!" she snapped. Jack made a pout with his lips.

"Every few days I have to come home and find you spaced out on some drug. So what is it tonight then? More pills? Pot? Alcohol? Enlighten me Jack," she said, anger heavy in her voice.

Jack let out a slow sigh. 'How did I think that I could hide this from her?' he thought sadly. "Gravol all day, and pot when I came home," he whispered. Evelyn sat down on the chair across from him, and took his cold hands in hers. He let his head slide a bit, swaying back and forth, humming lightly while Evelyn rubbed her thumbs over his fingers.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Jackie?" she asked him, her face pale and serious.

His eyes stung again and a single tear slipped out. She watched as it slowly trickled down his cheek before hitting the table. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I don't believe you Jack. There must be a reason," she said.

"I…feel hollow. I wanna be hollow. I don't wanna…" he trailed off as his eyes glazed over for a bit. "Don't want to what?" she asked gently. "I don't wanna feel anymore," he said, a strangled sob following his words.

Evelyn pushed her chair closer and held on to him, one hand rubbing his back. "You need to stop this Jack. You're destroying yourself with each drug. You have to want to stop. Don't push us away, we're your family and we all love you," she pleaded.

Jack twisted roughly away from her. "Family?!" he yelled. "This is what a family is? None of us are related, not really! None of us ever had a real family! I don't belong anywhere…" he trailed off as he took several jerky steps back from her.

His insides twisted as he saw the pained expression on his mother's face. 'Not my mother, not really,' the cruel voice said in his mind. "I gotta go now, I can't, I, I …" he stuttered as he ran from the room.

Evelyn held her head in her hands as she stared at his untouched glass of juice. She listened to the sound of the front door slamming a few minutes later. Jack disappeared for three days, before he turned up, dirty and worn out, deep bruises under his eyes. He had slept for two days straight. Evelyn didn't ask him where he'd been, afraid of setting him off again and Jack didn't offer any details.

ooooo

2 Years Later

Bobby walked through the alleyway slowly, his eyes flashing in fury when he found the very person he was looking for. He leaned in and yanked the young boy who had his back to him by the collar. A familiar pair of startled eyes stared back at Bobby.

"Isn't it amazin' how I can always find you?" Bobby hissed. He tightened his fist in Jack's battered leather coat. Jack bit his lip. "Um, look I know how this seems…" he started to say.

"Really?" Bobby growled. "Cause it looks a lot like you about to do somethin' real fuckin' stupid!" The stranger who had been standing in front of Jack moved nervously, edging away from Bobby's furious eyes. "Where do you think you're going?" Bobby said harshly.

He pushed Jack over to the wall. "You best fuckin' stay there," he ordered him. Jack lowered his eyes, reflexively obeying Bobby's demand. He never had been able to stop that reaction, no matter how long he had been with them. Bobby turned to the frightened stranger, speaking softly to him, too softly for Jack to hear him. The man turned deathly pale, his eyes bulging. "Understood?" Bobby crooned. The man nodded, running from the alley then.

Bobby looked back at Jack. "My car, now," he snapped. Jack followed him, his eyes firmly fixed on the hard pavement. Once they were inside the car, Bobby glanced at Jack. "Put your seatbelt on," he said. Jack did it up, chewing his lower lip.

Bobby started the engine and drove off. He waited until they were on the road for a few minutes, his eyes still full of raw anger. "I don't know what the fuck you're thinkin', or why you pull this kind of shit with Ma, but I've had enough," he said calmly, through his anger.

"I don't want anymore phone calls from Ma at two in the goddamned mornin', you hearin' me Jackie?" he said through clenched teeth. Jack shrugged, staring out the window. "One of these days, you're gonna wind up in some fuckin' gutter," Bobby said. "Is that what you want? To throw your life away?" he demanded.

Jack chewed on a fingernail, half shrugging. "Damn it Jack!" Bobby yelled, pulling into a deserted parking lot, his hands tightly clenching the wheel. "What the fuck is goin' on in your head?"

Jack looked away, his shoulders hunched. He hated yelling, and worse, being yelled at. "Don't..." he mumbled into his chest."Don't what?!" Bobby growled. "Don't make you face the bullshit?"

"Don't yell..." Jack whispered, his eyes wide with fear. "Don't give me that goddamned look," Bobby said fiercely. "You have any idea what you're doin' to Ma every time you pull this disappearing act? You think I'm gonna go easy on you?"

"Just leave me alone!" Jack shouted, surprising both himself and Bobby.

"Leave you alone huh? Fat fuckin' chance on that," Bobby snorted after a moment. "Seventeen years old, you think you know it all by now? Let me clue you in Jackie, the world's a lot fuckin' meaner than you could ever imagine. All those random strangers out there, you're just another face in the crowd to them. But to us, your family, you're everything!"

Jack felt tears sting and prick under his eyelids. He wrapped his arms around his chest, sniffing lowly. Bobby sighed in frustration, running one hand through his hair messily, loose strands falling around his eyes. "What's it gonna take for you to believe me?" he asked. "What more does Ma have to do for you to feel like you belong with us?"

"Not her fault," Jack whispered. The tears burned, stinging him mercilessly. "It's me, I'm the fucked up one." Bobby looked at him. "Jackie, we're all fucked up man, you know that," he said softly. "If we weren't fucked up, we wouldn't have ended up with Ma. Why do you think we're there with her, huh? No one else wanted problems as big as ours. You really think she's not gonna love you no matter what?"

A tear slid down Jack's cheek. He wanted nothing more than to climb onto Bobby's lap as if he were a small child and be soothed by his warm strength. "Look at me," Bobby said. He reached over and tilted Jack's chin, meeting his eyes. "I know what it feels like Jack, I do, honest. You gotta let us in sweetheart. You remember what I told you when you first came to stay with us?"

Jack nodded hesitantly, another tear escaping and sliding down his cheek. "That I was a part of the family," he said lowly, his voice barely above a whisper. Bobby nodded, his thumb smoothing over Jack's chin. "Right," he said. "No matter how bad you fuck up, Ma's gonna love you Jackie, all of us will. I'll always love all you guys."

For a brief moment, it seemed as though a light went out in Jack's eyes. He slumped back against the seat, nodding hollowly. "Sorry," he whispered. Bobby looked at him worriedly. "You gonna tell me what was goin' on in that alleyway?" he asked.

Jack looked out the window. "So I guessed right huh?" Bobby said, pulling his hand back. Jack cringed when he saw the look on Bobby's face. "Y'know, I can understand the drugs," Bobby said. "I don't like it but hell, I did that when I was younger and even drinkin', and I know you've been drinkin' heavy Jack, don't even try to deny that one. But this...this is unfuckin' real! What woulda happened if I hadn't found you then?"

"You know what," Jack murmured. Bobby made an angry sound. "Are you gonna sit there and tell me that you were gonna have sex with some stranger for money?" he asked, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper.

Jack nodded slowly. "I needed the money for something," he said, his stomach dropping faster by the second. Bobby breathed out, his face set in a mask of fury. He started the car, his hands shaking, and the air in the car thick with tension. "Bobby..." Jack whispered, touching his arm hesitantly.

"What?" Bobby said tightly. "Are...are you mad at me?" Jack asked. Bobby looked at him, seeing the fear in his still young face. "Mad? No," he said. "Fuckin' furious, yes."

"Bobby..." he said again, licking his dry lips."I won't do it anymore, I swear."

"Yeah?" Bobby said harshly. "Till the next time, right? Only maybe I won't be there to stop you. Maybe it'll happen when I'm at work, and there you are on the fuckin' streets, letting some stranger touch you. But you know...only cause you really needed the money after all."

"Stop it," Jack said, furious tears filling his eyes. "Why? Cause it's the truth?" Bobby snapped. "You don't wanna hear the truth Jackie? You'll be nothin' more than another fuckin' whore and damn it, you're better than that!"

Jack's eyes flashed, his anger finally roused. "I am not a whore!" he hissed.

"Not yet," Bobby snorted. "At what point does suckin' guys off in an alley for money make you a whore?" Jack's hand flew out and slapped Bobby hard, straight across the face. Time seemed to stand still for a long moment, Bobby's shocked face, a bright red handprint on his cheek, Jack's horrified expression, his hand burning with heat. He breathed in, a small sound in his throat, one that broke the silence.

"Bobby...I..." Jack tried to say. Bobby said nothing. He turned the wheel, driving back onto the road. "Please..." Jack whispered, his hands shaking, sick with what he had done. Bobby kept his eyes on the road, the red mark standing out on his cheek.

"Bobby...please...I'm sorry," Jack said, his throat clogged with tears. He struggled to swallow over the lump in his throat. "I didn't mean to hit you."

"Its fine," Bobby said tersely. The rest of the ride was silent except for the occasional sniff from Jack as he struggled not to cry. Bobby got out of the car, anger radiating off of him in waves. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, leaving Jack in the car.

Jack buried his face in his hands, beyond afraid and upset. He went inside finally and dragged himself upstairs to his bed, unable to face Bobby. He'd never been the type to get physical with anyone unless it was in hockey or if he had absolutely had to in a real fight. Now, he felt sick and uneasy for what he'd done. He sat up ten minutes later when he heard Bobby's heavy footsteps. He had a bag slung over his shoulder and tossed it into the car. He drove away then, his eyes flicking up to the house before he drove away.

"He...he left..." Jack whispered aloud. He sat down on his bed numbly, his eyes dry and aching. "He left me..." he said again.

ooooooo

2 Years Later

Jack leaned back against the unforgiving hard brick of the slummy apartment building, his arms crossed, and a bored look on his face. He restlessly scanned the cars that raced past him. He patted down his leather jacket, looking for his pack of cigarettes. He fished one out and was in the midst of lighting it when a white car pulled into the parking lot.

The car moved slowly, the driver craning his neck out the side window. Jack brought his lighter closer to his cigarette and inhaled after he lit it He watched the driver make a loop around the lot, flicking the tip of his cigarette, knocking the ash loose. The car came closer towards him. Jack felt his heart start to beat faster as the car slowed to a crawl before stopping directly in front of him.

He blew out a cloud of smoke and watched with some interest as the window lowered further. The driver leaned out of the passenger side window. "Jackie? That you?" the voice said.

Jack narrowed his eyes distrustfully. At that moment, Jerry's face came into view, smiling in relief as he looked at Jack. "Finally," he said. "I must have been up and down this damn street a dozen times lookin' for you."

"How'd you know where I was?" Jack murmured around his cigarette.

"Ma sent me, she keeps tabs on all of us, you gotta know that by now," Jerry said. "Hop in man, its cold out here." Jack sighed and stepped away from the brick. He slid into the front seat, rubbing his hands together briskly. Jerry turned the heat up in the car.

"So what's the big rush to get me?" Jack asked, flicking his cigarette out the window crack. "Ma's real sick," Jerry said softly. "She got a bad cold that just got worse. Doctor's are thinkin' pneumonia or something."

Jack looked at him, his forehead furrowed. "She's gonna be ok though, right?" he asked. Jerry sighed, rubbing his chin. "I sure hope so Jackie," he said. "I don't wanna picture life without Mom."

"Angel's flyin' in tonight," he said. "Bobby'll be driving in sometime today."

Jack stiffened slightly, the cigarette burning his fingers. "Yeah?" he said uneasily. Jerry nodded. "Yeah, not that there's any doubt on that. You say the word 'Ma' and he'll come runnin'."

Jack tossed the cigarette butt out the window, his breathing catching in his throat. "Yeah…" he whispered. Jerry looked at him. "Don't worry Jackie. Ma'll be fine, you'll see," he said. "She's a tough little lady and she'll come out fighting," he said.

"Sure," Jack said, trying to smile, his nerves kicking in. "Course…"

ooooooo

The whole ride over, Jack was sure that he was going to pass out. Jerry talked about the girls and they dog that they had recently bought. Jack nodded when appropriate, his arms clutching the seatbelt like a vice. His fingers ached when he finally let go of the belt.

Jerry pulled up to the house and turned the engine off. Jack walked into the house and put his bag on the ground near the door. "Damn…" he sighed, looking around. Jerry shrugged his coat off. "I know," he said. "Ma'll never change this place, I swear it."

"I kinda like that," Jack murmured, wandering into the kitchen. "It's nice to have consistency somewhere." He opened the fridge and pulled out a jug of grape juice. He poured a large glass and gulped it down thirstily, licking his lips after.

Jerry watched him. "How long you gonna stay?" he asked. Jack shrugged, tugging his jacket off. "Till Mom's better, I guess," he said evasively. Jerry shook his head slowly. Jack looked at him, frowning. "What?" he said.

"You're gettin' as bad as Bobby, you know that?" he said. Jack scoffed at that and folded his arms over his chest. "That's bullshit," he said. "Yeah?" Jerry challenged. "When was the last time you came home huh? Easter? Shit, Jack. Even Bobby calls Ma a few times a month."

"Good for him," Jack snapped, leaving the room then. "Good to know he gives a shit about someone!" Jerry watched him stomp up the stairs, bewildered. "What the fuck happened to you two?" he whispered.

ooooooo

Angel arrived a few hours later and not long after that, Bobby pulled into the driveway. Jack could faintly hear Jerry greeting them, casual insults passed around as fast as the hugs were. Jack rolled over on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. He had had a few puffs of a joint, just enough to take the edge off. His stomach turned listlessly when he heard the familiar sound of Bobby's boots clomping up the stairs.

His door opened a moment later. Bobby came into the room. "I know you're awake," he said after a minute. Jack sighed and rolled over. "What?" he snapped irritably.

Bobby chuckled lowly. "Aw, not enough sleep princess?" he asked.

Jack flipped him off as he burrowed into the sheets again. "Get the fuck up," Bobby said sternly. "We're goin' to see Ma now." Jack nodded, sitting up slowly. Bobby reached over and grasped his chin firmly. "How high are you this time?" he asked.

"Just a few hits, back offa me," Jack grumbled. "Alright, don't get your panties in a twist," Bobby said, letting go of him. Jack rubbed his fingers over his chin, his skin tingling where Bobby had touched him. "Fucker," Jack grunted reflexively.

The ride to the hospital was tense. Bobby drove them there, his fingers tapping an irregular beat on the steering wheel. Jack sat as close to the window as he could, behind Bobby, wishing like hell he had the courage to reach out and touch his shoulder, just to remind himself that he was there, a solid presence.

Jack sighed softly, tracing his finger through the fog on the window, humming softly. Bobby looked at him in the rearview mirror, his eyes dark and unflinching. Jack broke the eye contact first, a nervous sweat breaking out all over his body. Jerry glanced at him curiously, his eyebrows raised, his forehead furrowed. Jack blushed lightly and pressed his fingers to the glass, unwilling to admit he'd been staring again.

Bobby pulled into the parking garage at the hospital. Angel tilted his head. "What floor she on Jerry?" he asked. "Third floor, and watch what you guys say huh?" Jerry said.

Bobby snorted. "What kind of nurses work here that we gotta be afraid of them?" he muttered, getting out of the car. Jack slid out of the car, his legs cramped from the back seat. "The kind that'll call the cops if you start up one of your swearin' fits," Jerry snapped.

"Relax," Bobby said with a small smirk. "I won't go off, swear it."

Angel rolled his eyes. "Heard that before," he murmured lowly. They went up to Evelyn's room, Bobby tipping a wink to one of the young nurses, who blushed and ducked her head when they passed the nursing station. Jack gritted his teeth, anger coursing through him.

Jerry led them to the room at the end of the hallway. Evelyn lay on the hospital bed, the machine by her bed beeping steadily. Jack sucked in an unsteady breath, his throat closing for a moment. Evelyn looked so frail, so small and delicate on the bed, tubes running up to her nose and down over her arms. He made a soft sound, his eyes watering.

Bobby stood beside him, one hard hand on Jack's shoulder. He squeezed gently. "She's ok," he whispered. Jack shivered. "See?" he said, pointing to the machine. Jack blinked slowly. "Long as that's beepin', she's ok, yeah?"

Jack nodded shakily. Jerry walked over to the bed just as Evelyn opened her eyes. "Is this what it takes to have all my boys back in one room?" she asked softly, her voice strained. She smiled then, breaking the tension. Evelyn reached for the button near her bed and pressed the top button, bringing herself up a bit. Bobby gripped Jack's arm, and pulled him towards the bed.

"Got here as fast as I could Ma," Bobby said, leaning down and kissing her cheek. Angel held her hand. "How you feelin' Ma?" he asked. Evelyn smiled reassuringly. "I'm just fine boys, I promise," she said.

"Ma…" Bobby said, frowning. "I'll be just fine," she said firmly. "My cold got worse is all. The medications are already making me better," she added. Jerry sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs. "Has the doctor been by yet?" he asked.

Evelyn nodded, resting back against the pillows. "Yes," she said. "I should be home in a day or two." Jack looked at her hesitantly. She looked at him, and then smiled widely. "Jackie, you came home?" she asked hopefully.

Jack glanced at Bobby's stony expression. "Um, yeah," he said, swallowing. "Yeah, I was thinkin' of staying for awhile." Evelyn smiled happily. "Good. I miss having you around. All of you," she added, nodding to Bobby.

"I got a plan on that Ma," Bobby said, ignoring the look on Jack's face. "I talked to Jerry here last month." Jerry crossed one leg casually. "Yeah, one of the companies I hire from has got some openings for new hires. I can get him in," he said. Evelyn's eyes sparkled for a moment. "That's wonderful," she said, resting her hand on her chest. Jerry offered her the cup of water by her bedside. "Easy there, Mom," he chided her gently.

"Oh hush now, Jeremiah," Evelyn said. "I'm fine, and I'll swat you if I have to if it proves to you that I'm alright." Jack grinned, relaxing somewhat when he saw a bit of fire flash in her eyes.

oooooo

After a round of goodbyes, Jerry had ushered them from the room. Bobby started the car, his fingers moving restlessly over the steering wheel. "Drop me to get the car," Jerry said. Bobby grunted and started the car. Once they were back at the house and Jerry had left, Angel looked at Bobby. "You wantin' to go in there now?" he asked.

Bobby shook his head. He glanced at Jack, who was doing his best to not stare at Bobby. "I need a drink," he said. Angel nodded. "Go on, let's do it then," he said smoothly.

Sometime after Jack's fourth shot of whiskey, he'd looked at Bobby and almost said the words that were rushing from his throat. Angel called for another bottle of whiskey and the three of them drank in near silence, only occasional comments traded back and forth. Gradually, Bobby began to unwind, his smile making Jack's stomach flop weakly.

"Where ya been hidin' huh, Jackie boy?" Bobby asked, raising his eyebrows. Jack giggled softly and downed his shot. "Hidin' in plain sight," he declared, putting his shot glass down hard. "That so?" Angel asked, winking at a girl who passed them.

Jack nodded. "Jus' downtown," he said, waving one hand in the air. "Here an' there, singin' and playin'." Bobby shook his head. "Making a fuckin' lot of racket on that damn guitar?" he asked. "Oh yeah," Jack said. "That racket gets me paid. Not much..." he trailed off. "I get by."

Bobby stared at him, all humor gone then. "Really?" he said lowly. Angel nudged Bobby. "Don't start, not here," he whispered. Bobby shook him off. Jack shifted uneasily in the chair, his fingers suddenly slippery with sweat while he played with his shot glass.

"You get yourself a part-time job there, Jackie?" Bobby asked, his voice almost mocking. "Bills gotta get paid right? Whatcha doing now, huh? You a real workin' boy?"

Jack recoiled from Bobby, guilt and shame gnawing at him. "Fuck you!" he hissed. "You don't know shit!" Angel grabbed Jack's arm. "Let's go," he muttered, half dragging him from the bar. He dropped several bills on the table, pulling him away from Bobby.

The cool wind hit Jack's heated skin when they stepped outside, Bobby growling as he followed close behind them. "Where you goin' Angel?" he yelled.

Angel glared at Bobby. "Gettin' your drunken asses home before you do something real stupid," he said. "Get in the damn car!" Bobby stumbled closer to the car, his eyes glittering in the moonlight. "Do you know? You know what Jackie does, what line of work he's in?" he snarled. Angel grabbed Bobby by the collar and shoved him in the car. "I ain't doin' this in public," he said. "Sit down an' shut up!"

Jack got into the backseat and curled up, pulling his knees to his chest as he stared out the window. Angel took the keys from Bobby and drove them back to the house. Jack hurried inside the house, giving in to his urge to pack and run. Bobby followed him, scowling. The ride had sobered him up a bit, and now he was determined to talk to Jack. Angel grabbed Bobby's arm on the stairs. "Stop and think, Bobby," he urged him.

Bobby yanked his arm lose, fury flashing in his eyes. "How...how can you just ignore all this?" he sputtered. "This shit has been goin' on for years! Are you that blind?!"

"I see some shit," Angel said, nodding tersely. "None of us do much better. An' Jackie's gonna do what he wants, he's no kid anymore, Bobby." Bobby chuckled harshly, no warmth to it. "He never was a fuckin' kid! Other people saw to that. He's gonna run, he's gonna fucking run again and it won't be long until he's dead in some gutter!"

Angel sighed, rubbing his neck slowly. "Go on," he muttered, moving aside. Bobby nodded and hurried up the rest of the stairs. "Oh I don't fuckin' think so," Bobby said when he saw Jack re-packing his bag quickly. "You aren't boltin' outta here tonight," he said. "Watch me," Jack snapped. "Why do you even give a shit, nobody runs better than you!"

"Ma expects you to be here when she gets out and I got my own reasons," Bobby countered. Jack scoffed, zipping his bag closed. "Yeah? Well I got my reasons," he said. "Now get out of my way."

Bobby blocked the doorway, smiling grimly. "No," he said. Jack stared at him. "Get the fuck out of my way," he said through gritted teeth. "I told you, you aren't runnin' tonight," he said. Jack put his bag down angrily.

"What the fuck do you want?" he yelled. "Who the hell do you even think you are? You fucking disappeared when I needed you the most and now two years later, you think you can just barge into my life and tell me what I can and can't do? Get.Out.Of.My.Way," he said, biting off each word.

Bobby crossed the room, standing in front of Jack. "You made your choice that night Jackie, you wanna spend the rest of your life on your back or on your knees, who am I to stop you, right? Till some fucker puts a bullet between those fuckin' lips of yours and blows your goddamn brains out!" he spat.

Jack clenched his fists, his eyes glowing with rage. "I am not a whore!" he hissed. Bobby smirked at him. "Lemme tell you something sweetheart, you take money from some sweaty, fat bastard and let him fuck you, that makes you a whore, no matter how you slice it, Jackie," he said softly.

Tears glistened in Jack's eyes. He choked on a sob in his throat. "Get away from me," he whispered. Bobby touched his cheek, his thumb rubbing over the pale skin. "You don't gotta do this Jack, you don't hafta sell yourself," he said sadly. "You never did."

"You don't know me; you don't know anything about me!" Jack said, his voice catching, the tears building faster, his eyes burning. Bobby looked at him close, his mouth close to Jack's ear. "You never let me in Jack. None of us, not even Ma. I'll love you no matter what, Jack. I wish like hell that I could help you, but honestly, I don't know if I can," he whispered.

Jack made a soft sound, something inside him breaking. He stumbled backwards and tripped over his bag. He landed on the floor, tears trickling down his cheeks. Bobby crouched next to him. "Shh," he whispered. "Don't cry Jackie." He pulled Jack into his arms, tugging him onto his lap. Jack curled up against him the way he used to when he was still new to the house. Though Bobby had made him nervous, Jack would crawl onto his lap, his head tucked under Bobby's chin. Bobby had never protested and would just hold on to him securely, letting him take whatever comfort he needed.

Bobby held him, rubbing his back slowly. "Are you still usin' hardcore?" he asked after several minutes. Jack sniffed and shook his head. "No," he whispered. "Drink, yeah, still smokin', bit of pot, that's it," he added. "You promise?" Bobby asked, tilting his chin to look at him. Jack nodded, his eyelashes dark with tears. "I just...I need something...gotta make it stop hurtin' so much," he whispered.

Bobby rested his head on Jack's, nodding sadly. "Ma told me once that all you wanted was to be hollow, to not feel," he said softly. "When I was young, real young, I used to hurt myself like you, just not with drugs. I fucked up a lot, set a lot of shit on fire, and hurt a lotta people. I felt...so fuckin' empty inside y'know? Like there was nothin' left."

Jack looked up at him and nodded slowly. "I felt empty and hollow, but still tried to push it all away. I felt hollow but I didn't wanna feel at the same time. I wanted to be numb," Bobby continued, his rough fingers stroking Jack's hair as he spoke.

"Vacant..." Jack breathed. Bobby nodded. "Yeah, just make all the shit go away, be vacant and empty and then maybe all the hollow feelings would stop hurtin' so bad," he said.

"Ma loved me unconditionally, Jackie. I was the worst by the time she got me. The things I did," he trailed off, blinking fast. "I don't know how she did it, or what she does still, but somehow she got through to me. And it stopped hurtin' so much. Wasn't overnight, didn't make me perfect or stop bein' me, but now, now I could know that someone loved me, just the way I was, no strings, no conditions. And the fuckin' power behind that Jack, you just gotta let it in," Bobby said, his throat aching. He looked down at Jack, still sitting on his lap. Jack peered at him, a frightened look on his face for a few seconds.

"Jack," Bobby whispered hoarsely. Jack shifted on his lap and cupped Bobby's cheeks, kissing him then, startling Bobby badly. "J..." he tried to say as Jack kissed him again, quick, furious kisses, pressing against him. Bobby opened his mouth to the kiss, moaning lowly at the slide, the soft feel of Jack's lips brushing over his.

Jack pulled back after a long minute, Bobby's lips swollen from the kiss. Bobby blinked, his arousal digging into his stomach. "Jackie," he murmured. Jack curled up against him again. "I had to," he whispered. "I had to, just once."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Bobby asked, his lips tingling. "I was afraid," Jack said softly. "I thought you'd hate me if you knew that I wanted you." Bobby stroked Jack's hair again. "I don't hate ya, Jack," he murmured. "Surprised as all hell though. I couldn't hate you Jackie. I love you, you know that."

"But not the way I love you," Jack said sadly. Bobby sighed as he held Jack closer. "I do, that's why I left," he said. "I was startin' to worry myself with how I felt, and I didn't wanna end up screwin' things up, so I left. When I saw that dead look in your eyes in the car, the thought of you giving yourself to some other guy made me nearly fuckin' insane with rage."

Jack sighed, resting against Bobby. "I never wanted you to know what I was doing," he said. Bobby held him closely. "I don't want that life for you, Jack. You deserve so much better than that kind of life," he said. They sat in silence for a bit, leaning against each other.

Jack sniffed, breaking the silence. He wiped at his face. "Are you really stayin' this time?" he asked. Bobby nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I am. Jerry came through for me." Jack sat up, looking at him. "I'm sorry I hit you that night," he whispered. "I was so upset and fuckin' scared, I never meant to do that."

Bobby shrugged. "It was a long time ago Jack," he said, touching his cheek. Jack shook his head. "No, it's not ok Bobby, I'm sorry, I really am. You know I'm not like that."

Bobby leaned forward, pressing his mouth to Jack's slowly. Jack sighed happily, kissing him then, his hands carding through Bobby's hair, moving closer to him. "It's ok," he breathed when Jack pulled away a bit. "I promise."

"So, now what?" Jack murmured, pressing slow kisses to Bobby's mouth. "One day at a time, Jackie," Bobby said, holding him tightly. Jack held on, his body relaxing. He felt content, at ease in Bobby's arms, the way he'd longed to be for years, allowing himself to be loved. "You'll stay with me, with all of us," Bobby said. "No more selling, never again."

Jack nodded, pressing another kiss to Bobby's mouth. "I promise," he whispered. "I haven't in a long time." The urges to be numb, to be empty and vacant were beginning to fade as he was cradled in Bobby's arms, surrounded by his strength, his warm body, and the love he gave him freely. "Love me?" Jack said lowly. Bobby nodded. "Always have, Jack," he said. "Always have."

ooooo


End file.
